Nightmare

It's funny how you never forget a nightmare.


I see it coming at me. It’s eyes are dark and malevolent. It moves slowly, watching me, then pauses. It rushes forward.

The Innocent Ones are in my protection, but who am I to save? I feel I am incapable, and so I lose my control. My confidence shatters. The Innocents look at me with their peaceful, trusting eyes. I tense, feel fear, dread the moment when they will slip from my grasp.

I wake with my fingernails pressed into my palm, relax my hand, and see the red crescent-shaped marks.

I Have a Problem

But I already know the answer.

It's putting what you know into action that is the hard part.

God, help me. Please.

I have the hardest time...with people I care about. I need to reassure them of how much they mean to me.

An Overexaggeration

So I'm depressed.

About something wonderful.

I'm such a weird person.

It's a certain kind of darkness, a fog, more like. It floats around this bitter pain. It's like a hot needle, pricking repeatedly at this single spot, from which all my pain seems to stem. It brings uncertainties, questions, fears. When I wonder, for wonder I must, who and what I really am...something tells me that this pain is the essence of my being. It defines me, makes those cracks in my smiles that no one sees. How long until the ice shatters? Will I crack, as she did? It used to haunt me, that old fear, until I realized there were worse things. Worse things. What a horrible thing to realize!

Am I depressed?

Really?

In that way that brings shadows over every thought and a sharp, almost frantic fear to every moment in the dark?

The cold fingertips that brush, almost gently, and then grab with hidden strength the moment I slow down.

I'm not mad.

Not completely.



I overexaggerate. It comes with liking descriptive words...So don't worry, if you've taken the time to care. I'm alright.

Love

This past week was amazing in so many ways. It's hard to describe how different I feel. I know I learned a lot, and I've finally set some goals for myself. I'll write those down.

Become more outgoing. [important]
Start taking the initiative. [very important]
Love. [the most important]

I'm definitely verbing it this summer. I just hope and pray to God that I can keep it up.

In all honesty, I know it will be a long time before I reach my goals..and I know I'll try and fail many times. I am, by nature, a quiet person and not given to taking the initiative in an any situation. So this will be hard for me to do....

I...I think I'm a dork...

I watched two anime movies today...and now I'm...depressed? Wow. How does that work? ...

I don't know either.

I straightened my hair..so now it's all long and shiny and pretty.... And I'm not even going anywhere. That's depressing too.

All of those paragraphs begin with the word "I." Is that self-centered? I don't know....

Life is so hectic. Everything is busy and crazy, all at once. There are so many things I have to do. I'm tired. And worried...Because of so many things...

Another thought: I'm nervous about it but still excited... Mixed emotions are so not enjoyable.

I'm going to go watch another anime movie now.

Procrastinators unite! ....tomorrow.

I registered for the SAT yesterday.... It was a late registration so there was a fee of $22. So I registered, and I'm a little nervous... I got an SAT study guide with 1045 pages...and I have a couple of weeks to study...

I'm a procrastinator.

Flowers

So I sold flowers today...

It was a lot of fun...exept for the part where it was freezing cold. I got to go say hi to a bunch of my neighbors that I don't usually see. It was just me and my sister, walking, shivering, selling. It's pretty amazing what a smile will get you. :)