ah..

I've got this rash covering my entire body. It's not terribly itchy, not too horribly red, but it's enough to be a bit uncomfortable. The doctor said it was like..a result of the fever, or something.

I also have laryngitis. Fun, right? So I'm this red, not-talking girl.

And I've lost about ten pounds..

I'm serious.

I'm freaking serious.

Yeah, I'm okay...I just need to eat, a LOT.

I had all these weird dreams when I was sick, people coming into my room, leaving. It was my mother, checking on me. She said I mumbled to her when she came in. I won't even tell you what I thought it all was. It might have been less scary if I'd known she'd be coming in during the night, but I was feverish and deathly ill, and it's not hard to make someone feverish and deathly ill into a scared little burnt cookie.

The fever started small, at 100.2 on Saturday morning, barely budged all day long, then it kept spiking higher and higher, while we'd try to get it down. The highest it got, that I actually know of, is when it reached 105.4 on Wednesday morning.

I was talking about how didn't want to die from Tuesday to Thursday.

I might've scared Connie.

Anyway, Wednesday I took my temperature, saw what it was, and would have started crying if I hadn't been so dehydrated. I showed my mother, then ran back to my room to drink water and take some medicine. I drank as much as I could, and got my temperature to 101 or 102. When I went downstairs, into the usually brightly lit rooms, it was like I had a black veil over my eyes.

Everything still looks a little funny.

So we went to the doctor..and they were so, so sure it was pneumonia. But my lungs were fine, and when I got a chest xray, it showed they were clear there too. The pharmacist wouldn't give us the prescription because I didn't have pneumonia. I got a nebulizer though. yay. The medicine that we got with the nebulizer makes me a little shaky though.

So Wednesday was only two days ago, right? That afternoon my fever started going down...and Thursday it went down some more. There was just the breathing thing..throat blockage..whatever. It was nothing serious, I guess. I haven't choked since last night.

I told you I hate getting sick. x(

So I sat down and stared at the screen, began to write. It was easy enough. But now I'm stuck.

Trees

I really like trees. They're pretty awesome.

So. I was asked if I would submit a story to the young writer's contest this year. I really want to. But.. I haven't written an actual story since the last one I submitted. :/

I'm not sure if I can.

But I should try, right?

Dead Weight

I've got too much weighing on me. I need to push it off of my chest and stand up.

Sunshine

Is anybody ever the same from one day to the next, or are we always changing? I believe we are...Just, the rate of change is what varies.

I felt my heart break, a little bit, one night last week. Seeing the truth in someone you love....It can be shattering. The world is not all sunshine and daisies. ...I'm naive. That's why it hurts to know that. I like to think I am an optimist...my dad doesn't think so. He says I don't see the glass half empty or half full, but think it is fine just the way it is. Until someone breaks it, I guess... He said that was how he was, but the difference between him and myself is that he gives people only one chance, and I give more. I guess...I try to fix the glass? No..Maybe.

I watched The Dark Knight the other day. "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." It's this whole...sunshine and daisies thing. Everything has it's own darkness, it's own imperfection (or, most likely, multiple imperfections). I still try to love it...or fix it. Is that hurting me? Will that take it's toll on my own neither-optimistic-nor-pessimistic spirit? I'm not really so concerned with that, even though I think the answer is yes. I wonder more, can something, or someone so broken be healed?

When I read the Bible it says God can heal all...so I know...yes. "Washed white as snow."

I'm a fool. There are no "buts" with the Bible. It's why I'm keeping myself from typing what I'm thinking. I know I am wrong...or do I? My wounded heart is having trouble grasping the concept.

I know it is yes. If everything that is so broken and dark can be healed...I can be healed too. I'm so afraid of losing my hope...but I think that fear means that I already have. Is it better to hope hopelessly for the good, or to know there is no good? How naive am I? Are my sunshine and daisies really gone?

The good is there. It's something I know, or should know. Why can't I see it anymore?

I desperately need some sunshine...some time to recover, and remove the black from my eyes.

Words

And I've chosen to keep these words to myself, put them somewhere no one can find them to use as weapons. For what sharper words could be found than these?

Comfort

I don't know if I've ever needed someone to comfort me before.

But.

I don't think I could ever work up the courage to ask.


So I'll just continue reading her favorite Psalm.

Rest in peace, Grandmother.

:'(