Fable

ah..

2009-02-20T12:08:00.001-08:00

I've got this rash covering my entire body. It's not terribly itchy, not too horribly red, but it's enough to be a bit uncomfortable. The doctor said it was like..a result of the fever, or something.

I also have laryngitis. Fun, right? So I'm this red, not-talking girl.

And I've lost about ten pounds..

I'm serious.

I'm freaking serious.

Yeah, I'm okay...I just need to eat, a LOT.

I had all these weird dreams when I was sick, people coming into my room, leaving. It was my mother, checking on me. She said I mumbled to her when she came in. I won't even tell you what I thought it all was. It might have been less scary if I'd known she'd be coming in during the night, but I was feverish and deathly ill, and it's not hard to make someone feverish and deathly ill into a scared little burnt cookie.

The fever started small, at 100.2 on Saturday morning, barely budged all day long, then it kept spiking higher and higher, while we'd try to get it down. The highest it got, that I actually know of, is when it reached 105.4 on Wednesday morning.

I was talking about how didn't want to die from Tuesday to Thursday.

I might've scared Connie.

Anyway, Wednesday I took my temperature, saw what it was, and would have started crying if I hadn't been so dehydrated. I showed my mother, then ran back to my room to drink water and take some medicine. I drank as much as I could, and got my temperature to 101 or 102. When I went downstairs, into the usually brightly lit rooms, it was like I had a black veil over my eyes.

Everything still looks a little funny.

So we went to the doctor..and they were so, so sure it was pneumonia. But my lungs were fine, and when I got a chest xray, it showed they were clear there too. The pharmacist wouldn't give us the prescription because I didn't have pneumonia. I got a nebulizer though. yay. The medicine that we got with the nebulizer makes me a little shaky though.

So Wednesday was only two days ago, right? That afternoon my fever started going down...and Thursday it went down some more. There was just the breathing thing..throat blockage..whatever. It was nothing serious, I guess. I haven't choked since last night.

I told you I hate getting sick. x(

2009-01-29T08:44:00.001-08:00

So I sat down and stared at the screen, began to write. It was easy enough. But now I'm stuck.

Trees

2009-01-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

I really like trees. They're pretty awesome.

So. I was asked if I would submit a story to the young writer's contest this year. I really want to. But.. I haven't written an actual story since the last one I submitted. :/

I'm not sure if I can.

But I should try, right?

Dead Weight

2009-01-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've got too much weighing on me. I need to push it off of my chest and stand up.

Sunshine

2009-01-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

Is anybody ever the same from one day to the next, or are we always changing? I believe we are...Just, the rate of change is what varies.

I felt my heart break, a little bit, one night last week. Seeing the truth in someone you love....It can be shattering. The world is not all sunshine and daisies. ...I'm naive. That's why it hurts to know that. I like to think I am an optimist...my dad doesn't think so. He says I don't see the glass half empty or half full, but think it is fine just the way it is. Until someone breaks it, I guess... He said that was how he was, but the difference between him and myself is that he gives people only one chance, and I give more. I guess...I try to fix the glass? No..Maybe.

I watched The Dark Knight the other day. "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." It's this whole...sunshine and daisies thing. Everything has it's own darkness, it's own imperfection (or, most likely, multiple imperfections). I still try to love it...or fix it. Is that hurting me? Will that take it's toll on my own neither-optimistic-nor-pessimistic spirit? I'm not really so concerned with that, even though I think the answer is yes. I wonder more, can something, or someone so broken be healed?

When I read the Bible it says God can heal all...so I know...yes. "Washed white as snow."

I'm a fool. There are no "buts" with the Bible. It's why I'm keeping myself from typing what I'm thinking. I know I am wrong...or do I? My wounded heart is having trouble grasping the concept.

I know it is yes. If everything that is so broken and dark can be healed...I can be healed too. I'm so afraid of losing my hope...but I think that fear means that I already have. Is it better to hope hopelessly for the good, or to know there is no good? How naive am I? Are my sunshine and daisies really gone?

The good is there. It's something I know, or should know. Why can't I see it anymore?

I desperately need some sunshine...some time to recover, and remove the black from my eyes.

Words

2008-12-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

And I've chosen to keep these words to myself, put them somewhere no one can find them to use as weapons. For what sharper words could be found than these?

Comfort

2008-12-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've ever needed someone to comfort me before.

But.

I don't think I could ever work up the courage to ask.

So I'll just continue reading her favorite Psalm.

Rest in peace, Grandmother.

:'(

Nightmare

2008-11-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

It's funny how you never forget a nightmare.

I see it coming at me. It’s eyes are dark and malevolent. It moves slowly, watching me, then pauses. It rushes forward.

The Innocent Ones are in my protection, but who am I to save? I feel I am incapable, and so I lose my control. My confidence shatters. The Innocents look at me with their peaceful, trusting eyes. I tense, feel fear, dread the moment when they will slip from my grasp.

I wake with my fingernails pressed into my palm, relax my hand, and see the red crescent-shaped marks.

I Have a Problem

2008-11-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

But I already know the answer.

It's putting what you know into action that is the hard part.

God, help me. Please.

I have the hardest time...with people I care about. I need to reassure them of how much they mean to me.

An Overexaggeration

2008-07-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I'm depressed.

About something wonderful.

I'm such a weird person.

It's a certain kind of darkness, a fog, more like. It floats around this bitter pain. It's like a hot needle, pricking repeatedly at this single spot, from which all my pain seems to stem. It brings uncertainties, questions, fears. When I wonder, for wonder I must, who and what I really am...something tells me that this pain is the essence of my being. It defines me, makes those cracks in my smiles that no one sees. How long until the ice shatters? Will I crack, as she did? It used to haunt me, that old fear, until I realized there were worse things. Worse things. What a horrible thing to realize!

Am I depressed?

Really?

In that way that brings shadows over every thought and a sharp, almost frantic fear to every moment in the dark?

The cold fingertips that brush, almost gently, and then grab with hidden strength the moment I slow down.

I'm not mad.

Not completely.

I overexaggerate. It comes with liking descriptive words...So don't worry, if you've taken the time to care. I'm alright.

Love

2008-07-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

This past week was amazing in so many ways. It's hard to describe how different I feel. I know I learned a lot, and I've finally set some goals for myself. I'll write those down.

Become more outgoing. [important]
Start taking the initiative. [very important]
Love. [the most important]

I'm definitely verbing it this summer. I just hope and pray to God that I can keep it up.

In all honesty, I know it will be a long time before I reach my goals..and I know I'll try and fail many times. I am, by nature, a quiet person and not given to taking the initiative in an any situation. So this will be hard for me to do....

I...I think I'm a dork...

2008-05-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

I watched two anime movies today...and now I'm...depressed? Wow. How does that work? ...

I don't know either.

I straightened my hair..so now it's all long and shiny and pretty.... And I'm not even going anywhere. That's depressing too.

All of those paragraphs begin with the word "I." Is that self-centered? I don't know....

Life is so hectic. Everything is busy and crazy, all at once. There are so many things I have to do. I'm tired. And worried...Because of so many things...

Another thought: I'm nervous about it but still excited... Mixed emotions are so not enjoyable.

I'm going to go watch another anime movie now.

Procrastinators unite! ....tomorrow.

2008-05-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

I registered for the SAT yesterday.... It was a late registration so there was a fee of $22. So I registered, and I'm a little nervous... I got an SAT study guide with 1045 pages...and I have a couple of weeks to study...

I'm a procrastinator.

Flowers

2008-04-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

So I sold flowers today...

It was a lot of fun...exept for the part where it was freezing cold. I got to go say hi to a bunch of my neighbors that I don't usually see. It was just me and my sister, walking, shivering, selling. It's pretty amazing what a smile will get you. :)

Enough

2008-04-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

I just...

Don't know what I want to say.

I kind of do know. But I think it's pathetic. So I'll just keep writing about what I want to write about without giving any direct hints at what exactly it is...

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm not sure it's something I can say.

See, I almost think it's this one thing. But it's more about this other thing. Do you follow?

No? Neither do I.

Ugh.

!!

It's both of them. At once. The two combined to put me in this mood that I'm in. I'm not sure if I should define my mood exactly. I want to say it...but it's so..pathetic.

Do I like who I am?

Sometimes...but other time I wish I could be..more. And not just in height...

Will I ever be enough?

Find Out.

2008-03-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

Who do you think I am?

Get to know me. FIND OUT.

2008-03-12T12:18:00.000-07:00

Life sucks.

But it's also great.

I'm incredibly optimistic and confused. I tried writing out my thoughts. It didn't work. I sounded like a blubbering heap of girl.

I need to stop using trite expressions.

Ugh..And right now I have to go. Shopping...It should be fun..Hopefully.

Word Limit

2008-03-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

I finished it!! I'm so excited. I finished my story. I'm not even sure that I'm satisfied with what I've written but I'm glad it's done. Now I can send it in and see if it wins anything...

I'm not sure I'm good at writing short stories..I need to practice more. But hopefully this one's at least a little bit good...hehe. :)

Still coughing.

A Dream Within a Deam

2008-02-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

"Is all that we see and seem but a dream within a dream?"

I have this phrase stuck in my head. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I feel lost. Forsaken and small, in this world that seems like it wants to run along without me. I'm outside of everything, and in the middle of things that I want to get out of.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm not content. At least not right now. I want something other than what I have. This is normal, I suppose, seeing as everyone is always saying it, but I don't think it's a good thing. I guess it depends upon how you look at it. Always wanting the better thing, striving towards perfection. Some say that such a view will motivate one to achieve something close to their ideal, thus it is good. But cannot all of this inner turmoil also wreak havoc on a person, mentally and physically? Discontent could lead to sleepless nights and sleepness nights, obviously, leave a person tired and unable to perform their best in their day-to-day activities. I guess this depends upon the person. Everyone is different therefore one answer can't satisfy all.

I don't want to feel discontented. But it's part of life...I don't know what I want. That's also part of life, part of being young especially. If I knew what I wanted, maybe then I would be content. Of course, knowing what you want is immensely different from having what you want. But if I knew...then I could make a plan to attain that thing and thus be content that I was actually doing something to make my life better. Because I have this incredibly naive belief that nothing is unattainable if you want it enough. Unless, of course, you want something like a unicorn. Then you probably have problems.